Carolyn Hax: Why does the cleaner partner get the extra housework?
I mentioned that I want them to get clothes in the hamper, and P said that I should “just let it go” and that they “don’t say anything about what [I do] that irritates them.”
I am not a neat freak, and I try to be patient, but I am getting very resentful that if I want a calm, clean space, it’s always my job. Worse: If it’s important to them, such as if they want a clean, uncluttered background for Zoom meetings, they do it, but they won’t help with what’s important to me, such as cleaning off the bookcase they pile stuff on that shows up in MY Zoom meetings.
I can’t be the only one facing this. How can I get them to help maintain standards that might be a bit higher than what they want, but less than I want?
— Higher Standards
Higher Standards: The person with the higher standards always has to do the work if they aren’t willing to leave it undone when the other person refuses to do it.
Note that this is all fact, no fairness.
If you want to get into the fairness issue, then you manage those facts, too — on your own, because you can ask other people to do things (presumably you have, a lot), but you can’t make them do anything.
So, the facts you need to manage are these:
1. If you are going to live with P, then you need to accept the unfairness of doing more to keep things as clean as you want them to be.
2. If you want both fairness and a calm, clean space, then you will need to live alone or with a different partner.
Obviously you don’t like that math, or else you would have left already — or learned to embrace the extra cleaning as a price you happily pay for P’s company or other contributions.
The one way around the bad fairness math is if there’s some chore or area of chores your partner does do well, gladly or out of necessity. When you have that to work with, then you can push all of that to P’s side of the ledger.
One caveat: When you have a slop box where you dump all the stuff P neglects to pick up, and cook your own meals, and do your own laundry and leave them to theirs, that’s effective — but also one step from the door.
Re: Cleaning Meanie: Did you notice that when you have “forgotten to put away” spices, it’s innocent forgetfulness, but when it’s your partner doing it, it’s negligence/meanness/laziness? Perhaps it’s worthwhile extending to your partner the same benefit of the doubt you give yourself.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: Search “fundamental attribution error” for more on that. Thanks. But it only works if the frequency of each partner’s “forgetfulness” incidents roughly matches.
