Carolyn Hax: The agonizing wait for a child’s medical test results

— Stressed and Anxious

Stressed and Anxious: A couple, but first — I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Suggestion 1: Decide you will get upset only when you have something to be upset about. All’s well unless and until you learn otherwise.

2. If you do learn otherwise, then the worst moment probably will be the moment you find out. That’s because you will have to deal with it absent two things: context, and the healing properties of time.

2a. Context means treatment options, likely outcomes, accommodations, community contacts (people who have the disorder or are caregivers for) — which can make your and your girl’s lives materially better. Plus, these are ways you can exert some control. And having even a little say helps us feel better.

2b. We all are built to adjust to whatever conditions we’re in. It’s human nature. If you get bad news, you will feel wiped out and overwhelmed — but then over time you integrate that into your sense of normalcy and revise your vision of the future (after an often painful letting go of the old one). You can miss something or be aware that others’ normal doesn’t involve this health condition, but still feel it’s your normal to accommodate this, fight this, advocate for your girl.

And your experience will bring some good things that you will value always — be it new awareness of your own strength, of your daughter’s strength, closeness in your family, new connections to people through this condition, etc. — and also associate with the experience.

3. I don’t have a 3, so here’s 1. again: You don’t have anything to be upset about right now. You really don’t. Not until you do. Thinking this way is a life-changing skill if you can acquire it. Worry can feel inevitable or even useful, but it’s neither.

Readers’ thoughts:

· When I have a worry that I have no control over, I picture sticking it in a box and stuffing it on a high shelf. The worry is useless right now. Sometimes the worry falls off the shelf and I have to shove that box back on. There’s a bit of humor in this for me.

· A tool to help you with Step 1 is to just breathe. Take three slow deep breaths. It actually calms your nervous system.

· I have a recurring worry about my kid. I named that worry “Hedwig” and every time my brain goes there, I say to myself, “Shut up, Hedwig.” It doesn’t make the intrusive thoughts stop, but it helps me put the thought aside.

· Waiting for biopsy results, I told myself that worrying wouldn’t change the outcome. I also would tell myself that I would think about it later. It did help.

· I would not change my chronic conditions because that would mean changing my life and who I have become. I am a more empathetic person because of them.

· Seek out adults with the autoimmune disorder! In most cases it’s an annoyance, not a tragedy. The disability community is also a kind of AWESOME place to be. I volunteer with many people with autoimmune disorders. They lead full and happy lives.