Carolyn Hax: Boyfriend buys her ‘junky’ presents against her wishes
Since this is just a total waste of money, last Christmas I looked at the pile of cr@p and suggested we stop exchanging gifts and just go out to dinner or buy something for the house. Especially since I was going to get another load of cr@p for Valentine’s Day. He said, what will people think?
When he says “people,” he means his family, because he’s always bragging to them that he got me a designer bag and diamond earrings, even though none of it’s real. I’m so mad that he’s more concerned about looking flashy than making me happy.
Or am I just a shallow b-word?
— Don’t Want Junky Presents
Don’t Want Junky Presents: I don’t see why he’s the one not listening to you or caring what you like, but you’re the one who’s in the running for “b-word” honors.
How explicit have you been about your frustration with his stubbornness? For example:
He: “What will people think?”
You: “Why do ‘people’ matter? I’d like to know you’re buying a gift for me with my style and tastes in mind, not buying it with your mother’s taste in mind. That seems kind of basic.”
Or just your great line, during one of your “still arguing” moments: “I buy you what you want, but then you buy me what you want, too.”
I don’t mean to suggest clarity will solve anything — it sounds as if he’s not capable of seeing past his own ego here. But the approach to any particularly tenacious problem should always have this as Step 1: If you haven’t been utterly direct yet, then be utterly direct.
Step 2 is what you’re doing now, the offering of alternatives that would bypass the problem entirely. That’s good. If he rejects the go-out-to-dinner idea but is still open to change, then maybe you can shop together for the thing he brags about giving you. At least that’ll give you say.
Step 3 is resignation. That’s when you recognize that the cr@p he buys you is his gift to himself, in the form of (perceived) bragging rights, and he’s not budging, so letting it go and letting him do it is your (secret) gift to him. Assuming that you want to stay with someone who can’t manage, even with explicit instructions, to care what you want.
From there you focus on minimizing impacts (wasted money, junk in landfills, enabled counterfeiting). “Just one thing, that would make me happiest!” — and hope for the best.
In closing, I’ll let Nick the cartoonist have his say: “From here, it looks like you have the cheap knockoff version of a boyfriend. Except this one can get very expensive.” Amen.
