Carolyn Hax: Does a spouse sickened by sugar need to humor a spouse who bakes?
To what extent do you think I have to be a good sport and eat some of the desserts my spouse makes?
— Just Desserts
Just Desserts: To zero extent. And that it’s a problem at all means it’s not a good problem to have.
Put this in any other context and it’s clear: If you had an allergy, then you wouldn’t be expected to eat lovingly prepared allergens. If you were in recovery, then you wouldn’t be expected to drink lovingly prepared cocktails. If you had a knee injury, then you wouldn’t be expected to partake lovingly in weekend hikes just because it’s an activity your spouse wants to share with you.
This is obviously a bummer. Your spouse loves this, loves you; you love your spouse, and would love dessert if you could. But there’s absolutely no reason that you have to make yourself feel bad just to prove your love, just because the particular badness you’d feel is a notch or two lower than an allergy or an -ism. Your body has turned on sugar and responds poorly to it. It’s not a choice, and the only rejection is cellular, not emotional. (Even if it were a choice, choices deserve respect.)
It is on you to be clear about this and to show your love in other ways that don’t hurt you, and it’s on your spouse to accept this about you fully and not respond as if it’s a personal rejection.
Maybe there’s a reconciliation for both of your needs in a low- or no-sugar dessert. This review covers two cookbooks that might make your marriage a little sweeter.
· I have this problem, only I’m the spouse who loves to bake and my husband is the one who’s trying to cut back. Our solution? I’ve cut way back on the baking and, when I do bake (it keeps me sane), I make items I can freeze or share with the neighbors so we don’t have as much in the house. It keeps us both healthier, mentally and physically, than cutting it out completely or baking as much as I’d like to.
· At first it feels like rejection when people refuse your previously accepted efforts to love them with food. Keep affirming your love for your spouse while declining sugary dessert: “Sweetie, I love you. You know I can’t eat that.”
· I got a big chuckle out of this. I lost 100 pounds some years back. One of the most interesting permutations of the change was how unbelievably long it took for my relatives to get over my changed habits. It was almost as if the adjustment was harder for them than it was for me. Hilarious, it was.
