Enraged by the news that Patagonia founder Yvon Chouinard was donating his entire company to a trust and nonprofit dedicated to fighting climate change, surrendering billionaire status and paying approximately $17.5 million in taxes in the process, the Billionaires’ Coalition held an emergency meeting to beg him to reconsider, and I got hold of their minutes.
You would trade your elite billionaire status to save THIS planet?
10 a.m.: Meeting is called for 10 a.m. Warren Buffett is there on time, but no one else is.
10:01 a.m.: Tim Cook signs on but never turns camera or microphone on.
10:02 a.m.: Richard Branson arrives. He says he is sorry to be late but he was in space.
10:04 a.m.: Jeff Bezos (founder of Amazon and owner of The Washington Post) arrives. Mr. Bezos observes that he is sorry to be late but was in space. Mr. Branson says not to worry, he has been to space himself and he is sure it was important. Mr. Buffett looks at his watch.
10:07 a.m.: Elon Musk arrives. He says he is sorry he was late but he was in space, too, but much better and higher. Some disagreement as to whether this is true. Mr. Buffett asks whether he has time to make a sandwich. Agreement to start the meeting. Someone notices that Mark Zuckerberg is not in the meeting yet.
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Follow10:08 a.m.: Discussion about whether Mr. Zuckerberg is all right. Questions raised: Is he just wandering around the metaverse alone? Is he having a good time or is this a cry for help? Does he not realize that he has cartoonish amounts of money that can be used in the real world to buy him experiences and delights and that if he really wants to visit the Eiffel Tower he can do so physically in person and take a real mediocre selfie? Is he hurt not to be invited to space?
10:15 a.m.: Mr. Zuckerberg summoned to meeting, says he is sorry he was late but he was in the metaverse. No response. He suggests that meeting should be held in the metaverse instead of on Zoom and reveals that he has already made custom avatars for the other billionaires and decorated what he describes as a “fun meeting room that almost feels like a real conference room” in the metaverse. They rebuff the suggestion, saying it “sounds fun” but “maybe another time.”
10:19 a.m.: The main subject of the meeting, persuading Mr. Chouinard to do something else with his money than donate his entire company to a trust and nonprofit dedicated to fighting climate change, is raised. Suggestions:
- Invite him aboard yachts. This will change his mind! Mr. Zuckerberg emphatically says, “We should do a yacht party! I’ll bring the VR goggles!” No takers. It is agreed to put a pin in the yacht concept.
- Bring him to space on the best and fastest space vehicle possible. Some disagreement as to which vehicle this is that becomes increasingly heated.
- Charlie Munger suggests that instead of fighting climate change, he could “donate a really big building to a college with no windows that thumbs its nose at the fire code, let that fire code know who is boss, really sock it to the fire code.”
- Buy Twitter.
- Buy The Washington Post.
- Host SNL.
- Buy SNL.
- Do the Billionaires’ Handshake many times over. [N.B. The Billionaires’ Handshake is when you wave 65 $100 bills at each other and then light them on fire.]
- Settle sexual misconduct claims.
- Join the climate change fight, but on the other side, against the climate, by way of corporate carbon output and one’s own personal emissions.
10:31 a.m.: General agreement that this planet is a trash heap anyway and good for little besides flying over it in a spacecraft. Who would want to invest resources in a world where some people are without clean water and food and have to bankrupt themselves to receive medical care? Any effort to preserve this place for more miserable generations would be a waste of energy better used making phones smaller and then bigger again just because. Money is simply best spent on oneself, or really anything other than ending world hunger. If nothing else, just sit on it and let it accumulate.
10:32 a.m.: Sinister laughter for three minutes. Midway through, someone starts coughing and does not mute.
10:35 a.m.: Mr. Branson notes that the meeting is approaching the 40-minute limit on the free version of Zoom and that they should wrap up.
10:36 a.m.: A letter to Mr. Chouinard is drafted summarizing the billionaires’ points and urging him to join them in space “sometime soon” in a noncommittal, general way.
10:39 a.m.: Mr. Zuckerberg suggests that “if we sent the letter in the metaverse, we could send it with a fireworks effect”; no response.
10:40 a.m.: Meeting adjourned.
Source: WP
