Miss Manners: Atheist doesn’t secretly share friends’ faiths

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Martin and Jacobina Martin,

Dear Miss Manners: I am an atheist with friends who are members of different religions. Whenever my friends talk to me about their faith, I politely listen and say things along the lines of, “That sounds meaningful for you” or, “I understand that means a lot to you.”

They often take this as an opportunity to proselytize at me, telling me what they think I secretly believe (Surprise! They all think I secretly believe in their God!).

Is there any way to point out how rude that is, or to emphasize that I was being polite, not inviting conversion?

Stop being so polite.

Miss Manners will rephrase.

Continue being polite by listening, but stop being polite by responding. You are inviting further conversation where none is warranted. Just nod and smile, and if your friends elaborate or push you into a response, you may say, “Thank you. As you know, it’s just not for me. You know what I do love, though? Skydiving. And I just know that you would secretly love it too.”

Dear Miss Manners: As my wife and I were having lunch with four friends at a restaurant, everyone but me started looking at their cellphones while we waited to be served. I don’t have a cellphone, so when I saw a magazine nearby, I picked it up and read it as we waited.

When we got home, I was surprised to hear my wife say that she had been embarrassed by my rudeness. Is it rude to read while everyone else is looking at their cellphones?

Not more rude, only more conspicuous.

Dear Miss Manners: I am a 68-year-old formerly childless aunt. My sister died two years ago after a very long illness, and I have “inherited” my adult nephew. I think of him more as a son at this point, and he thinks of me as his “aunt-mom.”

He is recently married, and he, his wife and her son are living with me. They plan to continue to do so — I am getting no younger, and they are happy to have extra support; it works well for all of us. Her son is a terrific 6-year-old who calls me “Aunt Bea,” as do many of my younger relatives.

I have sometimes referred to my nephew’s wife as my daughter-in-law, as I don’t wish to explain the whole thing to casual acquaintances. She is OK with that. Do you have suggestions as to how this might best be handled?

It is a false assumption that a social introduction must involve a family tree, complete with timelines, genetic identification and background checks for accuracy.

It is clear that the people who matter in your situation find it more than amenable — and that is what is important. Whatever shorthand versions of relationship titles you choose are fine — and if you are called upon to expand, Miss Manners suggests a simple, “We are family, and this works wonderfully for us.”

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.

2021, by Judith Martin