Miss Manners: You’re not being ‘canceled,’ you’re being criticized

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Martin and Jacobina Martin,

Dear Miss Manners: My husband and I were talking about the cicadas, and he asked, “Why are you so worried about them? God will protect us!”

He is an atheist, and even though he is surrounded by Christians, he often makes comments like this. I replied, “Why do you have to say things like that? That’s just rude!”

He then went on to accuse me of “cancel culture”! His exact words were, “You Christians want your freedom of speech unless you disagree with it. You don’t have a problem canceling speech you disagree with.”

We are a blended family. Our children are grown and gone, but both of them are believers, and I want them to feel welcome to express their beliefs without worrying about what he’s going to say. He can be very offensive.

He’s actually a very smart man, and he will usually listen to reason. But this exchange has me dumbfounded. How can I explain the difference between being rude and cancel culture?

Did you cancel him? Did you stop speaking to him? Did you move his clothes to the porch?

Miss Manners supposes not. What you need to cancel is that type of argument, in which a term is used pejoratively (“politically correct” is another) without regard to what it really means. And what it usually really means is that the speaker is claiming the right to be rude with impunity.

Free speech is indeed a sacred right, but it should not be confused with a license to be offensive. And surely offending one’s family does not result in a pleasant life.

Asking a spouse to cut it out cannot be properly defined as cancel culture. If your husband is as reasonable as you say, he will grasp the difference between canceling a spouse and annoying one.

Dear Miss Manners: When resuming social gatherings, how does one navigate questions about what you have been doing, or how long it’s been since you have seen mutual friends?

Some friends I have seen a few times during the past year, with all kinds of precautions in place, knowing they have been very careful. Others I have not seen, because they seem not to have been as careful — based on pictures they have sent from crowded events. I don’t want to hurt the feelings of those who were avoided.

Any discussion of how careful different friends were will lead to no good. At the risk of making you sound like the aforementioned cicadas, Miss Manners suggests that you just keep chirping away, repeating how happy you are to be back together after all that time.

“Now that we’re no longer afraid to be anywhere near you” need not be added.

Dear Miss Manners: When entertaining friends for dinner, should I set the table with teaspoons even though there’s no need for them, given my menu?

No. Why would you put out an instrument for which there would be no use?

Ah, yes. Miss Manners knows that it was because the teaspoon was sold with the table settings instead of the larger dessert spoon, which would have been more useful, unless you give more tea parties than dinners. But no matter what people believe, etiquette has no interest in confusing diners with superfluous utensils.

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.

2021, by Judith Martin