Miss Manners: Friends say they wish ailing parents were dead. How to respond?

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Martin and Jacobina Martin,

Dear Miss Manners: I am of an age when friends are beginning to take care of their ill, elderly parents. I am surprised at how often I hear them say they can’t wait until they are free of this burden.

I lost my mother at the age of 24, so I have no experience with what they are going through. How do I express empathy without sounding like, “Yes, can’t wait until they die”?

Empathy with friends is a lovely thing, but not when it consists of, “Too bad your parents are not dead yet.” Indeed, Miss Manners even doubts that would please them, coming from the outside.

But you can still offer your friends support by addressing the burden, rather than the inevitable solution. “It must be very difficult” offers a bit of comfort, and perhaps “You are good to be so caring” might discourage them from sounding so callous, no matter how hard-pressed they are.

Dear Miss Manners: I went to lunch with an old friend on what happened to be my birthday. Normally, she gives me a gift and a card, but this year she forgot that it was the “big day,” and I made no mention of it.

Several days later, when she realized it, she called to scold me for not reminding her. She said that I had embarrassed her by not disclosing that it had been my birthday and that the least that she would have done was pay for my lunch.

I feel awkward reminding others of my birthday, as if I’m expecting gifts and a celebration, which I’m not. But I didn’t mean to upset my friend by not mentioning it and making her feel forgetful and inconsiderate. What should I do next time? Drop hints in advance?

Apparently your old friend did manage to come up with something to give you for your birthday: guilt. It is the old trick of it’s-your-fault-I-did-wrong.

Miss Manners advises you against accepting that. Of course you are not responsible for advertising your own birthday. Yes, many people do, and many who do not will sulk when their birthdays are not acknowledged. All that you owe your friend is the assurance that it did not really matter.

Dear Miss Manners: I have a friend who frequently says I look perfect or my house looks perfect. I find it irritating because it’s not my goal to be that way. I feel like she is expressing some weird disappointment in herself, maybe?

Whatever her reason, it makes me feel awkward, and I never know what to say. What would be a good response?

“Thank you.”

Yes, Miss Manners understands that there may be a sting in this remark. It could be self-deprecating, and it could be something of a sneer.

But it could also be just your friend’s way of praising you. However compliments are phrased, they should be accepted — not analyzed until they are no longer pleasant.

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.

2021, by Judith Martin